Picking Up Dog Poop

*A guest post by Anonymous (not pictured above)*

Dog poop is gross because it stinks and sort of looks like human poop. It's not fun to see it, and it's not fun to step in it. I certainly understand why people expect a dog-walker to bend down and put those fresh, steaming globs of fecal matter into a little baggy and continue strolling along. But I'm sorry, all other dog poop related annoyances pale in comparison to having a near vomit experience due to putting your face within arm's length of it and catching a whiff. Seriously, I come EXTREMELY close to retching EVERY SINGLE TIME I have to pick up fresh dog turds. So you know what? Sometimes I just don't. If no one is looking, and it's not in a high-traffic area, I just walk away. If you hate that there's dog crap on your grass, just scoop it up yourself and consider it "nice lawn tax." I think that's fair, considering how ugly I think lawns are.

Furthermore, to anyone who huffs and puffs over seeing dog droppings on their grass: get over it, and consider yourself lucky--you aren't starving to death, you live in a nice house, and you're privileged enough to have the time and mental space to huff and puff about trivialities. And besides, nothing on earth would grow without shit! Have you eaten a hamburger recently? You can thank cow shit for that--it's the fertilizer that helps the grass grow. How about tomatoes? Couldn't have happened without shit. All plants need organic matter to grow. In fact, if you love mother earth, you should get angry about people wasting good fecal matter by bagging it and throwing it in a trash can. That's not natural.

I'll also add that it is embarrassing to have to walk down the street holding poop in a baggy. Everyone who sees it knows what it is. And guess what: it forces them to imagine picking up dog poop. That's unfair. And think of the dog! It's already insulting enough to be shackled by the neck to a human and have to drop a deuce in front of one, but to have them pick up your freshly pinched loaf and walk around with it??

Ugh, I can smell it right now. Can't you? And that's just the imaginary stuff.

I'll end by revealing that I'm not a dog owner and never have been. This is a major reason why. I have walked other people's dogs as a favor. Please don't judge me too harshly for not always doing my civic duty. I just don't want to barf all over myself, that's all. It's going to happen one of these days.

I give the experience of picking up dog poop a groan and very frowny face.